By Dr. Laura Markham
“We don’t have to engage in grand, heroic actions to participate in the process of change. Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world….. To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness…. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places — and there are so many — where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.” – Historian Howard Zinn
It’s easy to feel frightened and overwhelmed in today’s world. But it IS possible, even in scary times, to be guided by the values that matter most to us, including the commitment to provide a calm, loving home for our children. To do that, we need a sense of optimism — the conviction that things will work out, and that what we do can have a positive impact.
The world needs optimists today more than ever, because we humans have a lot of problems that we need to solve. And people who are optimists have better lives, because even when times are hard, optimism is a cornerstone of resilience.
Research shows that optimists, who believe they can achieve success, are in fact more able to do so. They are less likely to get depressed, get fewer illnesses, have longer relationships, and live longer.
When life seems to be dealing one blow after another, you want your child to believe that things can get better. Otherwise, why should he pull himself together and keep going?
Can you help your child become more optimistic? There is some evidence that optimism is an inherited trait, and certainly we know there is a biological basis to much depression as well as to a tendency to be upbeat.
There is also evidence, however, that we learn at an early age how to view the world and its potential from those around us, and that parents can unthinkingly influence us to interpret events in a negative way.
Luckily, research shows that we can change the way we talk to ourselves about events and how we interpret them, which has a direct impact on our emotional reaction to our experiences.
The bottom line is this: even if you are born with a tendency to pessimism, you can greatly increase your optimism quotient.
So how do you help your child to become more optimistic?
1. Notice how your child thinks about things
Is the glass half full or half empty? When something bad happens, does your child see it as exemplary of their entire life, do they think the misfortune is pervasive, permanent, and personally directed at them? (“Why does this always happen to me?”). If you see that your child is pessimistic, you can help them to learn optimism.
2. Challenge pessimism
Pessimistic thinking can be defined as expecting bad things to happen. Pessimists think catastrophically. For example, they might say, “I won’t make any friends at this new school. No one is going to like me”.
To deflate pessimism, challenge the four thought patterns that lead to pessimistic thinking:
- Permanence: “This always happens and always will”.
- Pervasive: “Nothing ever goes right”.
- Personal: “This always happens to me”.
- Powerlessness: “There is no real relationship between cause and effect; things just happened; I am the victim of what has occurred”.
3. Teach your child the principles of optimism
The essential trick is to remember that you perceive a setback any way you choose. This is so important that it bears repeating: What happens to us is much less important than the story we tell ourselves about what happens to us.
Help your child to choose to perceive setbacks as:
- Temporary.
- Isolated rather than pervasive. They don’t indicate anything about any other part of his life.
- Impersonal. This is not a referendum on my value as a person.
- Within his power to fix.
